Times long past, new memories ahead

2017 is nearing its close.   As the clock ticks over onto a new day, a new date, a new calendar year, I usually love the reflection that this time brings.  For the last few years, I’ve made a real effort to spend time alone plotting out the year ahead and looking back on the year just passed.

But this year it’s been a bit different.

This year, Cyrus our dog died. He was such a profound part of our lives and the most gorgeous, loving boy. It was heartbreaking to say goodbye to him.

Loss definitely throws into sharp relief where one has been squandering one’s energy on the unimportant.

In fact, in the days after he died, I felt strangely, manically energised by his death – as if life were in extreme high-def – where the normal everyday compromises I make out, of laziness or weakness, seemed like a profanity.

But overall, once that feeling settles, grief is an exhausting, ruthless emotion to contend with.

I’ve definitely been conscious of trying to outwit grief at times, simply because it’s such a deeply uncomfortable emotion. My experience of it is at best an all- pervasive, destabilising heartsoreness and at worst a feeling of physical, paniced choking. Continue reading